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The Seven Screwballs of the World Series of Poker

Thousands of people will play at the Annual World Series of Poker (WSOP) or the WPT500 in Las Vegas this year. Each of them uniquely different from the next, and yet it’s surprising how many of them can be compartmentalized into a small group of categories.

Here are the seven screwballs of the World Series of Poker.

11# The Talker

This is the type of player who talks an endless amount of drivel. Absolute shite that means nothing to anyone including himself.

The reason he is talking so much is because he/she is so nervous. Beware though. This doesn’t mean they are new to the game. It just means they are new to their situation. The online wizards, trying to wave their magic wand in their first live event, also fall into this category.

The Talker will drive you insane, but I encourage you to get involved in their conversation. They like to have friends around the table, and you can use that to your advantage when the time is right.

The Talker is usually the one person on the table who is loved by the WSOP Regular, and absolutely despised by the Baseball Cap Wearing kid.

22# The WSOP Regular

This guy is always over 40, thick set and another one who likes the sound of his own voice.

“What are the blinds in the next level?”

You don’t even have to ask, the WSOP regular can read your mind, and he knows the structure of every single event down to the ante; and boy does he let everyone know.

He always wears a WSOP cap – or some other sort of poker paraphernalia – has a stupid looking card protector, and can tell you every single rule change that has been implemented since 1979.

“There was a time when you only had 1,500 chips in a $1,500 event you know.”

Well blow me down.

33# The Old Timer

The Old Timer is the player who really does throw a spanner in my works.

They are such a paradox to me. On one hand I find their moves so transparent, and then on the other hand, I haven’t got a clue what they are doing?

When the Old Timer comes into the pot he is a 4x/5x type of guy. This is a man who eats four Shredded Wheat for breakfast – no messing about. After you have stolen a couple of pots from them, they come into the pot with a Hulk of a check-raise and stare at you as if they are going to kill you.

You fold.

They show you the nuts.

They also show you this ‘That’s what you get for messing with me,’ look.

Except you folded.

They won no money.

I think this is why I hate them so much.

44# The Baseball Cap Wearing Kid

I don’t much like these guys either.

They always have this look on their face. The one that tells me that they haven’t had a very good few hours.

When looking at this angst I can’t help but wonder if he laid awake all night listening to his mother getting it from the boyfriend who is the same age as him. Then he wakes up in the morning and walks barefooted into a pile of dog shit, walks into the bathroom to brush his teeth and said boyfriend has just had a dump, opens the cornflakes and the box is empty, has a fender bender on the way to the Rio, and then orders a coffee with sugar and gets tea without.

But they can muck their cards in the coolest way possible.

“Why would I bet ace high?”

Just one of the wonderfully aggressive sentences that pour out of that upturned mouth.

55# The One Bullet Guy

“I’m just in for one bullet.”


This guy isn’t the brightest spark in the box. He might as well wear a baseball cap with the words, “I’m not very good’ emblazoned on the front. That being said they are generally happy, so I guess a baseball cap is out of the question, perhaps a t-shirt will do instead.

They are always telling you the truth, always showing you their cards and always checking it down when you ask politely.

I just love these guys.

66# The Pro Trying not to be a Pro

These players are so funny.

They are signed to a specific poker room. They have either won a ton of money, won one of the big three, or anything else it takes to get sponsored these days.

They are wearing more patches than a Grand Prix driver, they always turn up later than everyone else, and when they are asked if they are a pro they deny it.

Phil Ivey comes over to say hello.

Daniel Negreanu sends a text to ask if they are still meeting for lunch.

“Are you sure you aren’t a pro?”


77# The Man With the Ego

This is the type of player who is bursting to tell you that he is something special, and they have some ingenious ways of doing it.

Here’s one.

“So what are the tax rules if I win this event?” Asks the man with the ego.

The baseball guy just stares at him.

The WSOP guy reels of every line of the Nevada Tax Commission Regulations within seconds.

“That’s cool. You see when I last won $250,000 I had to pay 20% tax.” Says the man with the ego.

Nobody says anything….

“Well since you ask…I won it playing in a tournament in Foxwoods. Phil Ivey and I….”

The Talker says, “Wow Phil Ivey?”, the WSOP Regular has moved onto every sentence of the Californian Tax Commission Regulations, the Old Timer puts in a hefty check-raise and just stares at him, the Baseball Wearing Cap just shakes his head before mucking with the grace of a ballerina, the One Bullet Guy says, “Well done on your score man,” and the Pro says nothing because he/she is taking a coffee from Doyle Brunson who has kindly driven to Starbucks in his scooter for them.

“Do you know Doyle Brunson?” Asks the Talker.


So who did I miss? Let me know in the comments below.

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